CHRISTOPHER GUEST’S COACHELLA
INT. THE REUNION STAGE - GREEN ROOM - DAY
Members of PULP, REFUSED and AT THE DRIVE-IN are backstage along with a lovely cheese spread. In one corner, DENNIS LYXZEN from Refused practices screaming. In another corner, CEDRIC BIXLER-ZAVALA from At the Drive-In practices screaming. In a third corner, JARVIS COCKER stands next to to five guys who look like Jarvis Cocker.
DENNIS (Singing): Can I scream? YEAaahhhhh…
Dennis’ voice cracks. He clears his throat. A SWEDISH DUDE playing around with a guitar shakes his head.
SWEDISH DUDE (heavy Swedish accent): Theenk powerful banshee, not colicky infant, dammeet.
Dennis attempts another SCREAM. It’s even more pathetic.
SWEDISH DUDE: I knew we were too old for this sheet. But no, Dennees steell theenks he’s a guddamn ruck star.
Dennis FLIPS OFF the dude, who walks out of the room mumbling curses.
SWEDISH DUDE: Smadol tofteryd, vejmon vejmon, birkeland six-drawer dresser in white…
EXT. FESTIVAL GROUNDS - DAY
A dazed MISCHA BARTON wanders through the crowd.
MAN: Mischa, what are you doing?
Mischa puts a hand to her hair.
MISCHA: I’m looking for my headband!
INT. REUNION STAGE - GREEN ROOM - DAY
Cedric tosses Dennis a bottle of ALL-NATURAL COCONUT OIL.
CEDRIC: Throat lubricant, man.
Dennis downs some of it and tries out a SCREAM. It’s better and more banshee-like. Less colicky infant, dammit.
DENNIS: Aces! Where’d you pick up this trick?
CEDRIC: From Gwyneth Paltrow, actually.
Dennis nods knowingly. He looks Cedric over.
DENNIS: Hey, I like those pants.
Cedric looks down at his tight, tight black pants. They are nearly identical to Dennis’ tight, tight black pants.
DENNIS: Wanna trade?
INT. NAP STAGE - GREEN ROOM - DAY
BON IVER, RADIOHEAD and MAZZY STAR are jamming from a lying down positing on cots. Behind them is an AMP with a volume knob that goes all the way down to -1. In the corner, CAT POWER sobs.
HOPE SANDOVAL from Mazzy Star lets out a long yawn. THOM YORKE accompanies it on the guitar. JUSTIN VERNON closes his eyes and feels it.
Mischa Barton walks in.MISCHA: Has anyone seen my headband?
JUSTIN: Nooooo-oooo-ooo IIIIII-
THOM: -Oh oh oh oh oh-
JUSTIN: Have not.
HOPE: -No.INT. THE REUNION STAGE - GREEN ROOM.
Dennis and Omar stand in their underwear, struggling to get into one another’s tight, tight black pants.
DENNIS (Grunting): Jarvis, a little help?
Jarvis just stares. Dennis hops about. Mischa Barton walks in.MISCHA: Hey, guys, I’m looking for my headband. Have you seen it?
Dennis shrugs and continues to struggle with his pants. He lies on the ground with his legs up in the air. Cedric points to his enormous ‘fro.CEDRIC: You can check in here if you want.
Cedric, with one pant leg on, lubes up his hair with coconut oil and Mischa digs in. Jarvis Cocker looks over the scene and shakes his head.
JARVIS: Fuck this. We’re reuniting at South by Southwest.
