Schrodinger’s Mostquito Hawk: there is a pizza box on the floor of my kitchen. Under it is a mosquito hawk.

I do not want to pick up the box, just in case.

It’s real foggy out here in East Texas this morning. So foggy that when I drove down the ramp out of my apartment complex parking lot and out to the main road, it took me a minute to see the flashing police lights to my left.

The front axle from a pickup truck decided it didn’t want to be a part of the whole operation anymore, and three cop cars and a tow truck were on the scene to take care of it. I waited for another car to go by, and moved out into the road.

The whole time, I’ve got half a slice of leftover Hawaiian pizza hanging out my mouth. Breakfast. In my defense, I drive stick, so I needed both hands to shift and make the turn.

As I get to the cop cars and the officer directing traffic, we lock eyes. Dude is staring a hole through my pizza. He cannot figure it out. I can actually see, even with all the fog, the smoke coming out his ears trying to decode what I’m doing with this brown and yellow and bread-looking-thing hanging out my mouth at seven in the morning.

He grilled me the whole way by. Did not blink or shift his gaze once. Like he was trying to intimidate me out of my pizza. Fuck that noise.

Today is a great day. Space, live tv directors, and the Oscars pizza guy.

This guy just lived a little bit of the American Dream! He watched Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman back in Moscow and now he’s running his own small business and handing her a slice of pizza on live international tv! That’s awesome!

This is actually super good. Just like that pizza, I bet.


Wish it were one continuous chicken nugget instead.

Man. You Canadians really have it all figured out, don’t you? This is a beautiful thing.

Domino’s should let you just pick someone’s order at random to watch in the pizza tracker. Even if you haven’t bought a pizza. Like, what if you just like watching Amir V. do prep and you get excited when Johanna F. takes the pie out for delivery? It doesn’t even have to tell you what town the pizza’s in. I don’t care. I’m just in it for the Caribbean theme with the parrot.


Happy hour @ The Arsenal on Pico in Santa Monica!

S’that supposed to be some kind of fancy-ass west coast pizza? Looks like something the dog threw up. Stop lying to yourself, Chris. You’re better than that. Come on now.

Did I mention that I ate the entire thing in one sitting too? It’s like there was never any pizza in the first place.

We live in the future.

I ordered a pizza (ham & pineapple, because I’m cool like that) from my phone, without talking to another human being.

On the subway.


And it got to my apartment five minutes after I did.


WHAT A FUCKTARD. Anyone that is condones the deplorable, disgusting, hateful act of degrading pizza with utensils deserves at the very least humiliation by blog. The VERY least.

String ‘em up! Kid spends a month in Brooklyn and STILL needs a knife and fork to eat a slice?! That’s messed up, man.




That awkward moment when you tell the Dalai Lama a joke and it bombs

The joke is actually pretty good, as far as stock jokes go. Rough crowd.


I mean, I laughed. But then, you know, my sense of humor has been described at times as what one might call “basic.”

But I really feel for the guy. It sucks when you bomb in front of a group of friends at a party or whatever, but it’s gotta be even worse when it’s the Dalai Fucking Lama. Wow. Kudos to both of them for being good sports and powering through.

The joke was dead in the water though as soon as “pizza” didn’t set off a lightbulb. I kinda feel bad for Mr. Lama. Dude clearly needs to get a good slice in him.


Possibly the most epic Jon Stewart rant of all time? Possibly the most epic Jon Stewart rant of all time.

If there is one thing you do not do, it’s mess with pizza. Donald Trump, you done goofed.